Qrious
by lorien829
Summary: A certain omnipotent being gives Kathryn a reality check. COMPLETE.
1. Intervention

Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing.  
  
AN: Episode begins before "Shattered". Events following "Shattered" are AU.  
  
**Q-rious**  
  
Kathryn Janeway strode into her quarters, and as soon as the doors had swished closed behind her, she let her captain's façade drop. She was incredibly tired, had had an exceptionally trying week, and was beginning to feel more than a little depressed. Worse, she knew that her first officer had noticed her behavior, and was no doubt en route to her quarters at this very moment. She rubbed her face with both hands, tried to shake the kinks out of her shoulders, and begin to pace aimlessly around her room.  
  
Why was she so unsettled right now?_ Because you've been trying to attain the unattainable for seven years, and it's wearing you out, _her subconscious replied, with uncanny accuracy. _I'm not worn out,_ she argued back, _I'm just tired, and –_ she realized the absurdity of what she was doing, and stopped. However, she immediately began again, with _I've been trying to get us home for seven years. And I have no idea when or if we're ever going to make it. If I only knew how long it would take us, I could forge ahead, with that hope to press on, or if I knew we weren't going to make it, then we could find a planet and build a home. I could be content, I know I could, it's just this damned feeling of limbo, trying to juxtapose Alpha Quadrant and Delta Quadrant, home on Earth or home on Voyager.  
_  
_It's like.._she had a sudden flash of insight, _it's just like me and Chakotay. I can at least admit to myself that I am in love with him. And I know he's in love with me. We can't have a relationship with each other while on board ship, and we don't want to have a relationship with anyone else, so we're just stuck. Limbo. I wish I knew about him too, about the outcome of our relationship...I wish we could have a relationship...God, he's so beautiful..._ her thoughts drifted into decidedly less introspective veins.  
  
She did not notice the flash of white light behind her, and jumped when a silky smooth voice spoke in the silence.  
  
"Ask and it shall be given," it said. Kathryn's spine went rigid.  
  
"What are you doing here, Q?" she replied in icy tones, as she turned to face him.  
  
"Kathy, you were in _such_ turmoil. How could I, in good conscience, have not come to help you??"  
  
"I don't need your kind of help!" Kathryn realized she was speaking through clenched teeth, and tried to relax her jaw. It was not easy. His mere presence set her on edge.  
  
"Oh but this is such a _little_ bit of help." He smiled and held up a thumb and forefinger, with a miniscule amount of space between them, but she was unmoved. He seemed equally unfazed by the Janeway death glare.  
  
"Thirty-seven years."  
  
His clipped phrase startled her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's how long it's going to take Voyager to get home. Thirty-seven years. That would make you....82, I believe. _Such_ a pity humans don't have longer life spans."  
  
"Q, I don't understand..." she backed away from him slightly, hating herself for giving into him, but she was desperate for information.  
  
"You were in here, wondering how long it would take you to get home." He spoke slowly, as if to a small child. "You were thinking that you could go on, _if only_ you knew that information." The last phrase was spoken in a sarcastic singsong.  
  
"Q, you have no right to intrude into my private thoughts."  
  
"Kathy, once _again_, you get sidetracked onto issues that aren't relevant."  
  
"I happen to find privacy extremely relevant," she said haughtily. "I think that—"  
  
"I can tell you about you and your long-suffering first officer too," he cut in, knowing that would bring her to a halt.  
  
"I don't want to know the future, Q. Not really. It would be like cheating."  
  
"And 'cheaters never prosper', right, Kathy?" he cocked an eyebrow at her. "Really, you humans are_ far_ too hung up on principles. You're getting just like stuffy old Captain Picard; and I thought you were much more fun!"  
  
"If not, it is a failing that I am proud of," she answered, but she wasn't very emphatic about it. She felt a headache beginning above her eyes.  
  
"Okay, Kathy, I have a proposition for you."  
  
"I'm not having your baby, Q."  
  
"I assure you, one Q-child is plenty. I don't think I could handle another one." He ran a hand shakily through his hair. Kathryn could not restrain a grin, taking a moment of evil pleasure from seeing a Q overwhelmed by something.  
  
"And you call yourself omnipotent?"  
  
"I_ am_ omnipotent, but I don't have unfailing unconditional patience."  
  
"That much is obvious," her retort was classic Janeway dryness. Q waved his hands impatiently, growing tired of the conversation.  
  
"Your diversion is not going to work. I came to help _you_, not to talk about me. If I showed you one of the many potential paths you and Chakotay could take, and what would happen, that wouldn't be cheating. It wouldn't be showing you the future, it would only be the potential future. Your principles could remain intact. How you acted would be up to you." He looked her over for a moment, and muttered, "Not that I hold out much hope."  
  
"I—"she started to protest, and then stopped, "if I agree, will you go away?"  
  
"You have my word." He replied, with a magnanimous smile and a theatrical bow. Before she could voice her doubts about the veracity of his word, they flashed out of her quarters. 


	2. Potential

Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing.  
  
AN: Episode begins before "Shattered". Events following "Shattered" are AU.  
  
**_Flash  
_**  
They were back in her quarters. Kathryn started to ask a question, but stopped as she saw herself and Chakotay sitting on her sofa. They were holding glasses up, and Kathryn caught a couple of words...Antarean cider..temporal prime directive. There was laughter, as they held up their glasses. Kathryn felt her heart squeeze at the twinkle in Chakotay's eyes.  
  
"What's going on?" she whispered to Q. He laughed.  
  
"Relax, Kathy, they can't hear us or see us. This is shortly in the future, following a time fracture that Chakotay gets caught in. This is _the_ deciding moment in your future together."  
  
There was a short silence between the couple on the couch.  
  
"Chakotay?" The other Kathryn ventured, speaking as if the question had been torn from her against her will. "My other self... what did you tell her about us?"  
  
"I don't understand," he replied, his brow wrinkling. But even from across the room, Kathryn could see that his eyes had darkened. She thought that his breathing may have quickened as well.  
  
"You told her all this personal information that you knew about me. She had to think maybe there was something between...I mean, did you explain...?" She floundered desperately, and Chakotay did not speak immediately, as if debating whether or not to verbally rescue her.  
  
"I told her that there were some barriers we never crossed." Chakotay said evenly. Kathryn knew exactly what her other self was feeling, because she felt it herself. Disappointment and rampant loneliness raged through her for an instant, like the crashing of a wave, and she pushed it back. She was pleased to note that not a glimmer of that emotion appeared on her alter-ego's face.  
  
"I see," she said, noncommittally. "That was probably the best way to handle it." She busied herself with her glass then, and so missed what Kathryn saw...a succession of emotions move across Chakotay's face...disappointment, longing, resignation.  
  
_**Flash.**_  
  
They were standing in her ready room.  
  
"Now, we are eight months into the future...the future which would follow that scene in your quarters, that is."  
  
"That was it? That was my deciding moment?" Kathryn was incredulous.  
  
"Some of the most minute decisions have lasting consequences," Q said wisely, for once. Kathryn was silent, pondering Q's momentary lapse into profundity.  
  
The ready room door chimed. Kathryn had actually opened her mouth to respond, when the Captain Janeway seated at her desk answered,  
  
"Come."  
  
Chakotay strode into the room, and stood in front of her desk. Kathryn could immediately see that he was ill at ease; he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and did not seem to know what to do with his hands. Janeway-at-the-desk finished reading something on a PADD before she put it aside and looked up.  
  
"Something I can do for you?" she said in the throaty casual tone that she reserved for him when they were alone. Chakotay swallowed. Perversely, Kathryn felt her heart pounding loudly in her chest, wondering what he was going to say.  
  
"I just wanted to tell you—I thought you ought to know, that is – I've... I've been seeing someone." Kathryn again felt sympathy pain for her future self. She sucked in a deep breath of air, as if she were recovering from a blow to her stomach. Captain Janeway's face had turned to a mask of stone.  
  
"Thank you, Commander," her use of his title bounced around the room discordantly. "I do like to keep apprised of personal situations that may affect the crew's capabilities and performance." Janeway seemed to debate whether or not to continue, and curiosity won out. "Do you mind if I ask who?"  
  
"Lieutenant Callahan." Kathryn knew her slightly, she was a petite thirtyish blonde under B'Elanna in Engineering. Janeway nodded in acknowledgment.  
  
"Beth and I," Chakotay continued with difficulty. The use of the nickname sent a stab of pain through Kathryn. It implied intimacy and closeness, and that made her feel _as jealous as hell._ _Admit it, Kathryn!_ Q had been standing without speaking so far, but he smirked at her then. "Beth and I, we – well, we want to get married. We'd like you to perform the ceremony."  
  
Kathryn saw Janeway's hands tremble violently, as she clasped them in her lap, and hid the recalcitrant limbs under her desk.  
  
"Certainly," she managed with believable warmth. "It would be a privilege and an honor, old friend." _God, was I always such a pompous ass?_ Kathryn thought in disgust. Chakotay smiled, and Kathryn got the feeling that he was waiting for her to say something else. Instead, she smiled back at him, with that polite _if you don't need anything else, please go_ smile.  
  
He turned and left the room, and Kathryn had the unusual and uncomfortable opportunity to watch herself lapse into to silent, but uncontrollable tears, swallowing back sobs, once the doors had swished shut.  
  
"Q, that was awful...why didn't she.."  
  
**_Flash.  
_**  
"Stop him?" They materialized in the mess hall as she finished her sentence.  
  
"Don't you think you're the only one who _really_ knows why you do the things you do, Kathy," Q said snarkily, and Kathryn felt a sudden primal urge to hit him. "Such violence inside! Perhaps Chuckles is well out of it."  
  
"Where are we now?" She asked in a long-suffering tone, by way of changing the subject.  
  
"This is 4 years, 7 months from now. We are at a baby shower."  
  
"God, don't tell me..."Kathryn groaned. "Q, I really don't want to see this."  
  
"Jumping to conclusions! Another human foible." Q said in delight, and Kathryn decided to ignore him, and watch the party.  
  
However, she realized that it was B'Elanna and Tom sitting in the middle of the crowded room, and that her chief engineer looked very pregnant. She noted a charming 5 year old, with Klingon blood and her father's brilliant blue eyes, sitting in Tuvok's lap. The Vulcan looked totally at ease, and Kathryn found this funnier than if he was stiff and uncomfortable.  
  
She saw herself, sitting towards the back of the room, drinking a cup of coffee. She looked very much outside the circle, as she passively watched, rather than clapping or calling out comments as the other members of the crew were doing. Harry Kim hollered out something that she did not catch, and there were whoops from most of the men. B'Elanna gave Harry a dirty look, and Harry pretended to cower. Kathryn did not see Chakotay or his...his wife. She had a hard time even thinking the phrase.  
  
"Careful, Kathy, you're turning green." Q murmured.  
  
"Stay out of my head, Q!"  
  
"Can I help it if you're incredibly interesting?"  
  
The mess hall doors swished open, and Tom stood up excitedly.  
  
"There they are!" he called. "The Sleepless Ones." Kathryn turned, and tears burned the back of her eyelids. She blinked them back impatiently, and far from successfully.  
  
Chakotay stood with his arm carefully around Lieutenant Callahan. In her arms was a tiny pink-wrapped bundle. Even from her vantage point, Kathryn could see that the infant was only days old. Chakotay stood with pride radiating from him almost visibly. Kathryn knew this was what he had always wanted.  
  
"The doctor said it was okay, so we thought this was the most appropriate time to introduce everyone to Lani!" There was a chorus of good wishes.  
  
"They had a very hard time conceiving. They tried for over two years, and she lost several fetuses. In another three years, she'll die in childbirth. Very unusual nowadays, even with your primitive medical techniques." Q told her. Kathryn barely heard him, her eyes instead locked on Chakotay. She felt her throat closing up, and couldn't believe the depth of the love she felt.  
  
"What about him? Will he be okay?" she whispered hoarsely.  
  
"He'll raise Lani alone. Torres will try to help him of course, but she has three children by then." Q snorted in disdain. "Whoever said Klingons and humans had trouble reproducing wasn't acquainted with those two. He never dates or marries anyone else. Never shows any interest in anyone else. Goes on those vision quests everyday when he's off duty."  
  
"What about us?"  
  
"Kathryn, you and he haven't spoken beyond polite trivialities since that night in your quarters." His words dropped into her consciousness like stones, and she felt dread grip her soul. Thirty-seven years...without her best friend, without the love she'd always wanted? How was she standing it? No wonder she sat alone outside her circle of friends, and merely watched them have lives of their own.  
  
As if to answer her question, Captain Janeway rose and left the room abruptly, leaving from the rear doors of the mess hall, so as to not come near Chakotay and his family. Kathryn started visibly, as she watched Chakotay watch her future self (this was getting damned confusing) exit. Something, she was not sure what, glimmered in his eyes briefly, as Captain Janeway vanished.  
  
"Q," she said in despair, "please just—"  
  
**_Flash._**  
  
Back in her ready room, Kathryn had to fight back tears. She didn't want anyone else on the receiving end of Chakotay's love and passion. She didn't want any other woman having his children.  
  
"What is the phrase you humans have, Kathy? Dog in the manger?" Q once again reminded her that he was there.  
  
"I know, I know," Kathryn said, and it was a sign of her soul-weariness that she was even speaking civilly to Q. "I'm afraid to move forward with him, but I don't want him to move forward without me." She sighed, and then looked up suddenly, as if remembering in whose company she stood.  
  
"So, where are we now?" she asked.  
  
"We are now 21 years into this future. You are approximately 15 years from home."  
  
She saw an aging version of herself seated at her desk. This Kathryn Janeway had silvering hair that was clipped short. Her face was more careworn, with more numerous lines around her eyes and mouth, but her figure was as lithe as it had ever been.  
  
Her door chimed. Kathryn sighed; this was getting predictable.  
  
"Come," said her older self, her voice clear as a bell.  
  
A striking young woman entered, with evident Klingon blood. However, the ridges on her forehead were not pronounced, and her hair was a light honey- brown. Her eyes were startlingly deep and blue. Kathryn realized instantly that this must be the child from the baby shower, now about 23 years old. She was wearing the red command uniform of an ensign.  
  
"Captain, could I talk with you for a moment? It's personal, not ship's business." The girl sounded hesitant, and almost shy, and Kathryn wondered how she could be a combination of the strident engineer and her snide pilot husband.  
  
"Certainly, Miral," the captain replied with a friendly smile. "Have a seat."  
  
Miral perched on the edge of her seat, as if to better prepare herself to run from the room if needed. "I needed to talk to someone, and I knew I couldn't talk to Mom or Dad." She plunged ahead, speaking quickly before she could change her mind. "I'm in love."  
  
"Who is the lucky guy?" Captain Janeway asked. Kathryn's mind was whirling to figure out who...Icheb maybe, he had been about 16 when she was born.  
  
"Harry." Miral said in a barely audible voice, but then pulled her chin up abruptly. "I don't care how old he is, and he doesn't care how old I am. He said he used to see me as a child, but he doesn't see me that way anymore!! And what am I supposed to do anyway?" She ranted as well as her mother, Kathryn noted. "It's not my fault we're stuck out here, and there's no one my age that's not my brother or a girl." She must be referring to Chakotay's daughter, and the baby B'Elanna had been pregnant with; Kathryn watched the scene with undisguised interest.  
  
"No, Miral, I suppose that blame lies with me," Janeway said bitterly. "It was my decision that landed us out here in the Delta Quadrant. And it has affected everyone we've touched. And I want you to know I'm sorry for that."  
  
Miral looked abashed. "I didn't mean to sound like I was blaming you. But I know Mom and Dad are going to flip out, because he's like family, but he's not family. And he's so sensitive and handsome." Kathryn tried to envision a distinguished middle-aged Harry Kim, perhaps with hair graying around his temples. Yes, he would be handsome.  
  
"Flip out?" Janeway raised her eyebrows. Kathryn chuckled to herself, more of Tom's 20th century slang, no doubt. "Miral, most people on this ship would probably 'flip out', and justifiably so. He's your father's best friend, and more than old enough to be your father. How much could you really have in common? Our circumstances are not normal, and I apologize for that. But a marriage because he's the only one around would be ill- advised." Janeway spoke very calmly and kindly, but Miral looked stricken.  
  
"I really didn't think you would say that," the younger woman admitted.  
  
"Why? Doesn't everyone call me an old crank?" Janeway retorted. Miral looked upset, and hastened to explain that nobody had ever called her that, but Janeway waved away her comments with a smile. "No offense taken or meant, Miral. I am an old crank. But I do have life experience, and I can give advice."  
  
Miral exited the room quietly, with a disappointed backward glance at her captain, who appeared to be thousands of light-years away. And she was, Kathryn knew, she was on New Earth, the last time she could remember being completely free and happy...free to love him, in a way she hadn't been since.  
  
"She took your advice, you know," Q interjected into the silence. Kathryn continued to watch tears course down her future self's face, in mourning for things lost. "Old Cradle Robber wasn't very happy about it, but she wouldn't budge. You figured that she'd meet someone, or fall in love with Icheb, or forget about Harry. But she never marries, not even after Voyager gets home. Harry dies on an away mission, about 12 years from now, and she is at his side when he dies. Three years later, you get back to Earth, and are hailed as a hero. But you are still alone."  
  
"What happens to Chakotay?" she asked through trembling lips.  
  
"He goes to Dorvan. You never see him again, after Voyager is decommissioned. Neither of you ever go to any of the reunions." Kathryn pondered the emptiness of such an existence.  
  
"You said, you said that this was one of many _potential _paths." She remembered their conversation from earlier, and said those words to him, almost accusingly.  
  
"So I did, Kathy, so I did." 


	3. c

Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing.  
  
AN: Episode begins before "Shattered". Events following "Shattered" are AU.  
  
_**Flash.  
**_  
They were back in her quarters, once more in real time. "Take two, Kathy," Q made a gesture with his hand, and vanished.  
  
Kathryn ran trembling hands through her hair, and let out a long shuddering sigh as she strode aimlessly around her room. As much as she hated to admit it, Q had given her some very valuable insight. She had made herself miserable, by refusing Chakotay, and in so doing, had made him miserable and everyone around her miserable. Sure, he had carved out a life and some happiness for himself, but it was a veneer, a substitute for the one he really wanted, but could not have, she thought, not with arrogance, but with calm assurance.  
  
The question was, what would she do about it now?  
  
Four weeks later, Voyager fractured into different places in time, and Chakotay, with some help from the EMH, got her back into the present, intact. He gave his report to Kathryn, in her quarters later that evening... over some Antarean cider.  
  
Kathryn's heart was pounding. Her mind raced endlessly. _What will I say? How should I start...? What if he...? _She tried to swallow, but was unable to, as Chakotay inclined his head toward her, and said,  
  
"I told her there were some barriers we never crossed."  
  
Every fiber in her being was screaming at her to look away, _this is dangerous territory!_ However, she maintained eye contact, and the longing and love shining in his dark eyes took her breath away. She reached forward with her free hand to cup his cheek.  
  
"Never say never, Chakotay," she murmured. His eyes changed, became alert, hopeful, and suspiciously wet. He reached up to trap her hand in his.  
  
"You'd better say something now, if you don't want for this—for us to happen, Kathryn," he growled.  
  
"I've never wanted anything more in my life," her voice was barely a whisper, and she leaned almost imperceptibly toward him.  
  
"Good, because I don't intend to take no for an answer anymore." He smiled then, flashing his dimples, and she felt her breath catch in her chest. There were mutual murmured admissions of love, and his lips touched down to meet hers. It began as a gentle kiss, full of tenderness, but quickly escalated to one of hungry and long-denied passion. Kathryn felt one word sing over and over again in her head: _Finally!  
_  
4 years later  
  
"Are you ready for this?" Chakotay asked his wife solicitously. He knew that part of her would always recoil from the public display of herself as a person, apart from the captain's role.  
  
"Yes," Kathryn said, with a smile, "although I've never heard of anything so ridiculous."  
  
"Well, you can't blame Kole for coming 6 weeks early," Chakotay said, beaming down at the bundle in Kathryn's arms. "Blame B'Elanna for planning the shower too late."  
  
"I've never heard of a baby shower where the baby was already there!" she said in mock protest.  
  
"So, he's as stubborn and determined to get his own way as his mother!" Kathryn gave him a death glare that was not very effective, as she couldn't restrain a smile.  
  
"Well, I've been successful so far, haven't I? I got you, after all."  
  
"And I'm afraid you're stuck with me for the rest of your life," her husband murmured, with laughter in his voice.  
  
"Mmm-hmm," she assented, and leaned in to kiss him.  
  
"Grow up, you two!" came the faux-disgusted voice of Lieutenant Paris. They came apart swiftly, to see the pilot grinning behind them. "Didn't you know that after the first kid, the honeymoon's over?"  
  
"Sure, and that's why your second child is due in 6 months!" Kathryn said cheekily. Tom raised both hands in surrender, as the three of them entered the messhall.  
  
The crew who were already gathered burst into spontaneous applause. Kathryn smiled broadly as she saw Miral perched on Tuvok's lap. Her gaze drifted over to her handsome Ops officer, sitting by B'Elanna. It seemed strange now to think of them together.  
  
_If Miral comes to me again, in the future, I'll give her an entirely different answer. True love should not be denied._ She felt a little silly, sure that she was smiling wide enough to split her face. But she had truly never been so happy. As she moved to a chair in the center of the room, near a pile of presents, she thought briefly, _Thanks, Q._  
  
Suddenly, in her head, so softly that she thought she must have imagined it, she heard a characteristically snide, _It's about time you thanked me_.  
  
And then, even more softly, _you're welcome, Kathy.  
_  
FIN 


End file.
